A Beautiful Bill - Pork, Favors, Back-Scratching, Fraud, And The Smarmy Nature Of American Electoral Politics

A Congressman in America is elected every two years, which means that the minute he takes his seat in the Dirksen Building, he is hustling for money and votes.  Take the Congressman from a district in southern Indiana, a farm region reliant on government largesse, price supports, and generous subsidies - in other words a district that has sucked the sow's teat for decades and was not about to change.  There was no way in hell that he would vote for any alteration in that policy which over the years had become received wisdom and a guarantee of reelection. 

 

And so Mr. X voted his pants off for continued support for 'the heroic, stalwart, small farmer whose heart beats in harmony with the millions of Americans who share the bounty of his production'.  With a coalition of Midwest party colleagues, he impressed upon leadership that the electoral way forward was continued support of 'the valiant American farmer'. 

Since subsidies, farm price support, and ceiling economic measures had been maxed out, the Congressman engineered the inclusion of a Rural Infrastructure component to the beautiful bill - improvements in irrigation systems, feeder roads, granary rehabilitation, logistics, and inventory, none of which were necessary.  Because they had the tenor and tone of energetic support for the farmer and the preservation of a Midwestern, core American ethos, they were admitted without reservation. 

Now the trillions of the beautiful bill would not be trillions if they were 'invested' only in the rural economy.  Ms. Y from an Eastern inner city district, proposed significant increases in public infrastructure - the usual money-making curb improvement, sidewalk renovation, handicapped curb cuts, and bike lanes incidental to the wishes or needs of the population. 

One constituent of Ms. Y's district, Pharoah Jones, had this to say: 'We don't need no cripple cuts up in here, muthafucka.  Leave us the fuck alone'; but Pharoah didn't vote, had never voted, and never would, so Congresswoman Y disregarded his comments and went ahead with the pork, guaranteed to line her pockets nicely. 

On a municipal level, the City Council of the District of Columbia was a hero.  It replaced  all the sidewalks in Spring Valley, the city's wealthiest neighborhood whose liberal-minded residents voted their conscience and, secure in their social redoubt, supported everything progressive.  The new sidewalks were unnecessary but icons of multi-culturalism, they were built.  White people still mattered. 

And so it was that the beautiful bill took both rural and urban interests to heart.  There was something in it for everyone, as it should be. 

This was unsurprising given the bi-partisan venality of the American government which had voted for pork since the inception of republican government; but surprising since the Republican Party had always been the party of small government, limited public spending, and fiscal conservatism. Yet spending to get votes is so ingrained in democracy representation, that both parties cannot possibly help themselves when budget time comes around. 

In modern day America, a country once unified and rallied around a central, core ethos, common Judeo-Christian principles, and social integrity, has been transformed into an identity-obsessed, patchwork plurality.  'I want mine', is the meme; and even MAGA ideologues cannot resist doling out walkin' around money. 

Now, Pharoah Jones was no dope, and although he may have voiced his opposition to the urban quarters of the beautiful bill, was quick to take whatever came his way.  So 'Urban Renewal' - a feature of the bill- became his password, his meme, his modus operandi. There was always money galore when ofay entitlement money came down the federal sluice, and there was Pharoah with his satchel open. 

The 'Anacostia People's Park' featured in the urban renewal portion of the bill - a scam of brilliant chicanery for which Pharoah took credit.  There was no 'Anacostia People's Park', nor would there ever be; and the millions in federal funds would go directly to the non-profit's PNC bank account, shuffled elegantly to Aruba and then into Pharoah's purse. 

Now the urban ghetto of Anacostia had benefitted the likes of Pharoah Jones for decades. In the era of Mayor for Life Marion Berry, more federal and District monies had flowed into the neighborhood than ever before, and yachts, homes in Bimini, and a coterie of black queens straight from Vegas were always in attendance. 

 

So now, under the Presidential leadership of conservative Donald Trump, only the unschooled thought that such wild, unaccountable largesse would be an impossibility; but they never looked beyond politics to human nature.  Who ever said that generosity, concern for the underprivileged, compassion, love, and commiseration were ever at the top of any politician's list? 

A Senegalese minister put it best. 'I am in my high position thanks to my family, my tribe, my region, and my nation in that order; and I intend to repay them accordingly and in that order'.  The story is the same whether in tribal Africa or 2025 America. 

Reform, reconfiguration, restructuring - all are possible and envisioned whenever a new political order comes to Washington - but there will always be pork, bacon, handouts, and walkin' around money. Morality and ethics are fictions where the political rubber meets the road. 

All of which is why former President Ronald Reagan said, 'Government is not the solution. Government is the problem', but as observant and principled as he might have been, he could do nothing to stop the growth of government and the Congressional allocations to fund it.  It would take a bunker-buster to stop it.

 

So, Pharoah Jones made out well as did his counterparts in Indiana. Scams are as part of America as church-going, and snake oil salesmen, bunko artists, shell game impresarios and preachers have been and always will be part of the American patrimony.  Congress is no different, as hustling, ambitious, opportunistic, and unethical; and its products little different from Harold's Hair Tonic And Virility Elixir. 

Congressman X and Congresswoman Y also did quite nicely, doling out and pulling back in the familiar Capitol pas de deux knowing when to hold it, when to fold it, reelected in proportion to the fulfillment of their promises. 

'We will drain the swamp', said President Trump at his first inauguration, but he underestimated the staying power of incumbency.  This term he set Elon Musk and DOGE on the bureaucracy but that didn't stay the generous hand of Congress who outdid themselves in in the multi-trillion dollar spending bill. 

So be it, par for the course.  No one said that politics was altar boy stuff, but this bill was over the top, a a hilarious grab bag the likes of which the nation has not seen, not even during Democratic administrations. 

'Got yours?', said one Congressman to another, and so it was that everybody left the chamber happy and content.