Bettina Marks had married badly, a 'What was she thinking?' marriage built on unrealistic expectations, unreasonable hopefulness, and a ticking biological clock. The marriage was dreary on most days, antagonistic on others, and full of suspicions for the rest.
Henry wasn't a bad sort. He meant well, pushed the right buttons, was dutiful and respectful, helped out in the kitchen, and was reasonable in bed, but it didn't take long for 'the real Henry' to emerge. The pupa and chrysalis had offered promise, but the butterfly was disappointing.
'What do women want?' is the question asked only by clueless men. A little attention now and then, a good listener, a shoulder to cry on, a modicum of understanding during bad times of the month, a little patience in bed. Not rocket science, more the ABCs or McGuffey's Reader; and still men scratched their head and wondered.
Henry's good intentions turned out to be nothing more than suppositions, bit and pieces he had picked up en passant but not worth the effort. He failed the kindergarten of marital relationships. 'I should have known', Bettina said, kicking herself for vetting like a hopeful child, ignoring the telltale signs, and rushing into a space where she didn't belong.
Bettina had given it her all, especially when she saw cracks in the foundation and leaks in the roof. 'I will make this work', she said as much to justify her mistake as any respect for the sanctity of marriage.
She prettied up the house, gave it frills and attractive appointments, had fresh bread baking in the oven on Saturday mornings before her husband went out to play eighteen holes, filled the vases with fresh flowers, plumped the cushions on the divan, straightened the crockery, and polished the silver. This all before and after a professional week not without its own headaches and need for order and discipline.
To be fair, Harry was no wastrel and seemingly not even interested in straying, 'Working late at the office meant exactly that'; and to be honest, Bettina could have done with a little more spicy intrigue. An uxorious man who pays the bills is OK but only up to a point.
The dissolution of a marriage should not be based on trifling issues, and theirs was far from coming apart at the seams. She had married an uninspiring man who was not far off the apogee of the bell curve for men - decent, ambitious, but clueless when it came to women.
Neither a Lothario or a saint, but as boring and tedious as they come. Their marriage was a far cry from George and Martha in Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, a slugfest, a brutal, bloody, savage affair in which they flayed each other to the marrow. No, by comparison, Bettina and Henry were an ideal couple.
'You're still a young woman', said a close friend. 'Get rid of him'. The dismantling of the marriage would not be that bad - no children to fight over, a fair and reasonable pre-nuptial agreement, a small mortgage thanks to a windfall and large down payment, and most importantly, no tears to be shed. She never really loved him, and for him she was little more than a convenience.
In America over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so while it is not expected, given the odds, one must certainly plan, act, negotiate, and compromise assuming the worst. This is not good for intimacy; but good for business, and as Engine Charlie Wilson, former President of General Motors once said, 'The business of America is business'.
Petrarch invented the idea of romantic love in the Fourteenth Century, ushering in a long period of chivalry, knights in shining armor, maidens, and head-over-heels romance. Romance was nothing more than a perk of wealth. Most people before then married purely for economic reasons - strong arms, fertility, overall good health, and generous dowries; but once the idea of pure, romantic love entered the scene, there was no end to frivolous, senseless, and useless marriages.
Eros, Philia, and Agape were the three types of love proffered by the Ancient Greeks - erotic love, brotherly love, and charitable, altruistic love. They had no name or room for romantic love, and that took many centuries to take form and gain currency.
There was no romance in the relationship between Agamemnon and Clytemnestra. There was plenty of jealousy when the brought home Cassandra as bounty from his victory in the Trojan War - this tart would upset a going concern she had with her own lover and king pro temp Aegisthus.
'Perhaps arranged marriage is not such a bad thing', Bettina thought as she watched the pillars of her marriage crumbling. Enter into it with no idealistic expectations whatsoever and stick with it as long as contractual codicils are fulfilled. In today's AI world, a convenient, suitable match could easily be made. Risk and doubt would be removed or at least minimized. Love might or might not follow, but that was not the point.
At the same time no woman brought up with Barbie dolls, castles, princess outfits, romance novels, and girly advice from Cosmopolitan and Elle, not to mention tearjerker television serials and movies about lost love, could be indifferent to love and marriage. The idea of Mr. Right was still out there.
At the same time there are more movies about bad marriages than good ones. In Woody Allen's Match Point and Crimes and Misdemeanors characters in desultory marriages take lovers whom they eventually have murdered and then get away with the crime. Andrew Davis' movie A Perfect Murder and Adrian Lynne's Unfaithful also feature murderous husbands. Turkish soap operas all center on family jealousies, ambition, and violence.
'Happy families are all alike. Unhappy families are all unhappy in their own way', wrote Tolstoy in Anna Karenina, and what would world literature be without bad marriages, infidelity and worse?
The fifty percent American divorce figure seemed low to Bettina who, thanks to her inherited wealth, seven-figure salary, high-class education, and marriage to a similarly well-off mate, was part of a divorce-heavy cohort. Anyone of similar means could easily afford a divorce, move on to the next marriage, divorce again and still be happy and solvent. So why not her?
Yet when she tried to formulate a shopping list of grievances to present to her husband, she came up only with snack food. Their marriage was good, except for the fact that they didn't much care for each other. Could they conscionably dissolve it with such airy pretenses?
Of course they could. This was America, and the pursuit of happiness was ingrained in the Constitution. Happiness was a function of wealth, opportunity, and advantage. Even the slightest excuse was good enough for divorce court.
The Catholic Church frowned on divorce, whatever the reason or justification. Marriage was a sacrament, and failure to abide by it meant eternal damnation; but nobody believed in that these days and Catholics were getting divorced as much as non-believers, so the last brake on marital separation - a moral code - was now a thing of the past.
So enough with frills, orchids, lace curtains, and bread baking in the oven, It was time to go, and good riddance.
Bettina's story is not meant to be either illustrative or apocryphal, just a brief look into an institution that might be better off retired. Ingmar Bergman's Scenes from a Marriage sums it all up. Persistence, longevity, dependence, bad judgment...What else to be expected from the random association of two unknowns thrown into a locked cell with No Exit, as Jean-Paul Sartre called it. Hell is other people, Sartre said, so watch out for what you wish for.
Bettina did well after Henry. She coasted along, muddled through, had her ups and downs and missed the benchmark of marriage. Edward Albee said that marriage was the crucible of maturity - without the hothouse, hermetically sealed environment of marriage with all its expectations and restrictions, we would never grow up.
Amen.

















