'Who says there's no such thing as true romance' Alicia Fried said to her friend. 'It says right here', she went on, pointing to the latest edition of Cosmopolitan which averred that not only was love alive and well in America, it was within the reach of every woman.
Alicia had had a hard time of it but was still looking for Mister Right. There was Bobby Barker, the son of the President of New Brighton Bank & Trust, football captain and Class President; but he never gave her a second glance, so surrounded was he by the class groupies, especially Marsha Perkins, all décolleté and doe eyes. That slut would give it up for the janitor if the price was right.
And Belinda Farnsworth, of the Farnsworths of the Philadelphia Main Line, preppy little bitch, that cunt rode the rails of her family's fortune but hadn't a decent thought in her head; or Esther Logan, cock tease, daughter of Margarite Logan, nee Carpenter who had been in a Broadway chorus line and passed on her net stockings and greasepaint to her tarty daughter who needed ever last bit of it to shade her ugliness.
Bobby, for all his charm and Hollywood looks had zilch between the ears, even struggled with 1+1=2 remedial math and See Dick Run reading. She admitted that she wondered about his cock between her legs, low IQ notwithstanding; but Cosmo advised her to hold out. Don't settle for less. You are who you are, a proud, glorious woman.
Yet every morning as she addressed herself in the mirror, tilting her head this way and that to give just the right tilt to her chin, the right angle to her nose, she was not convinced. The magazine must be talking about some other woman, not this plain, hopeless dour-looking, odd-featured thing in the mirror.
'There's a man out there for everyone', the journalist went on, 'and it's only a matter of time', an entree into a presentation of helpful tips to attract him. A touch of coyness balanced by straightforward confidence - this combination was the working title of the modern woman, shy and receptive but assertive and strong. A bit of blush to lighten those shadows, pink rather than red lipstick, floral rather than French perfume (Men are suckers for lilac and lilies).
All this clamor did little to boost her confidence or self-esteem. It in fact hardened her. If such falsehood, artifact, and downright chicanery was the way to sexual felicity, then shove it. She would rather be true to herself and not the puppet of some girly magazine's sexual editor, getting laid nightly in girl ghetto.
Then there were the class dykes, Brenda and Bobbi, two ugly leftovers in the sexual lottery, classically butch bull daggers in flannel shirts and E-boots, grease under their nails from repairing a drive train. They had escaped the whole sexual round robin scene. Somehow for them beauty, charm, and a lithe, graceful feminine spirit was irrelevant, and as such they were freed from the prettying go-round, searching for just the right halter, the matching beads, and Manolo Blahnik shoes. They did their shopping at the Army and Navy store, sucked and dildoed each other without a second thought or even a whimsical wonder about a real cock. Maybe that was the alley to go down.
Not so easy, of course, not even in today's zeitgeist of the gender spectrum, and the fungibility of sexual identity. It was one thing to postulate changing sexual orientation as easily as bedroom slippers for shoes, but it wasn't. Yecchh...the very thought of burying her face in Linda Larkin's twat was disgusting. No, she would have to play the cards she was dealt, go with the given flow of heterosexuality even as declassee as it had become.
Adolescence is no fun for any girl, let alone in this free-wheeling, politicized climate of alternate sexuality. Having to wonder what you were in addition to what you wanted added perplexity to the mix. It was bad enough having to resort to the treacly advice of Cosmopolitan than to worry about parsing your sexual preferences.
So here she was, senior at New Brighton High, surrounded by girly girl cunts and bad ass machine tool dykes, looking for plain, ordinary, sex, and yes, a husband and children. 'This', warned Cosmo was a recipe for disaster because for every happy home in the suburbs, there would be tears on the pillow. Men were not the fulfilling, satisfying yang to women's ying. They were Neanderthalic predators without a scintilla of appreciation for women. They would prey on that homely and vulnerable maternal instinct, string you along, dangle the romantic life in front of you, and leave you on the curb. Better to spend your best years on your back or eating pussy than being seduced by that.
Of course Cosmo didn't put it quite that way, but the message was clear. Don't set yourself up for a fall, take measures, arm yourself, be ready. We'll give you the tools for battle, but when the fight is engaged, you're on your own.
This of course was God's honest truth - women keep falling for men's blandishments, promises, and romantic attentions. For all the sluts, tarts, and daggers out there, most women simply cannot deny their inherently, innately romantic nature. They want to be loved, to be taken seriously, to be cared for and cherished, the myth of lovely romance started by a man, of course, Petrarch in the 15th century who wrote love poems to his Laura and ushered in the era of knights and their ladies, Rapunzel in the tower, the Lady of the Lake and all other engineered fabulist romance.
Tears on the pillow was the meme, the metaphor, and the essentiality of women - desperate for love and adoring romance, ignoring the hardwired duplicity of men, falling head over heels for them, and then left with nothing, a year or two closer to their maternal pull-by date, unsatisfied, deceived, and alone.
'Why do we fall for it?', Alicia asked. 'Are we that stupid?'
Even the hardest nail in the toolbox, the successful businesswoman who has risen through the ranks and broke through the glass ceiling, falls for this romantic tomfoolery. Take Elizabeth Prentice Baskin, CEO at one of America's richest insurance companies, corner office, millions in stock options, genius at credit swaps and profitable investments who was found after an unexplained absence in Buenos Aires with her gaucho lover in a romantic fugue that made the Wall Street Journal.
The story would have been interesting enough if it hadn't been for the denouement. The gaucho was no different than any other man and left poor Liddy Baskin on the pampas while he sidled off to Santiago with a Chilean firecracker.
'It is our lot in life', wrote Penelope Harker, sexual psychologist, and conservative advocate who went on to say that women should not struggle against the odds.
'Our wiring is different, our synapses firing to get a man, someone to stand by us, provide for us, care for us while we bear his children, keep the home fires burning, and give him the support, solace, and love he needs.'
Pilloried by the Left, excoriated by the feminist cadres at the barricades of the gender wars, and dismissed by serious academicians, Harker was the darling of 'the quiet voices of femininity', women who were quite happy to restore, preserve, and defend traditional female values.
'She had it coming, that dumb bitch', Alicia said after reading the Journal article; but the juxtaposition of the Argentine fugue and excerpts from Penelope Harker's latest book was revealing. Yes, the Harker woman was wallowing in some Fifties romanticism and faux Christianity, but she had a point. Keep their eyes and ears wide open and limit the tears on the pillow, but have extras in the laundry.
Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew is perhaps his only mature romance. In all his other plays, his views of marriage and the relations between men and women are suspect. But in this play Kate and Petruchio have found that elusive sexual equilibrium - she needs him and he needs her. She has lost the shrewishness was not her nature but only a result of a punitive upbringing, and has become a willing servant to Petruchio because he has freed her from her penitential misery.
Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour, both by sea and land;
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe,
And craves no other tribute at thy hands,
But love, fair looks, and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the prince,
Even such a woman oweth to her husband
Women cry, men don't. Men's pillows are not wet with their tears over lost love. Women's are. Alicia, we are happy to report, found her match - not a Petruchio exactly, but a man whose attractive masculine sexual adventurism was balanced by his unusual understanding of women. A wanderer never tethered, but who always returned. It was just this kind of sexual reality that kept her pillow dry.



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