"Whenever I go into a restaurant, I order both a chicken and an egg to see which comes first"

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Uncle Guido’s Chicken Facts

From the Uncle Guido archives -  Check the blog for more from Uncle Guido
NEW: Uncle Guido is happy. A positive side of the Afghan war is private enterprise in the US - chicken places. More importantly: " Mohammed Sherzad, the...imam of the Hazrat-I-Abubakr Sadiq mosque in Queens said that Allah provided enough chicken to go around. The Koran, he noted, gives his blessing to Muslims eating chicken...". OK, so the chickens are killed, but still, more chickens are living before being killed.

A Chicken War in New York, Where Afghans Rule the Roost
www.nytimes.com
Abdul Haye, armed with an unwritten secret recipe and the trademark for the Kennedy Fried Chicken brand, has declared a fried chicken war.
 
NEW: Uncle Guido loves this excuse for staying home from work: "A chicken attacked my Mom"

NEW: Uncle Guido LOVES this:" And what’s not to love? There’s something intrinsically happy about a chicken. The name: a little hiccup in the mouth. The shape: a jaunty upswing of feathers, a grin. The ceaseless bobbing, scratching, pecking. It’s nearly impossible to feel melancholy in the company of chickens. They are a balm for the weary urban soul."

Chicken Vanishes, Heartbreak Ensues
www.nytimes.com
The chicken yard in Bedford-Stuyvesant was a classic crime scene: Coop open. Hatch lying on the ground.
NEW: Uncle Guido does not eat chicken. There is an excellent soy substitute sold that actually looks like a chicken, though. Because it does not need refrigeration Walmart has put it in the toy department (kids love 'em) and in the meat and produce departments - an example of the current multi-purpose marketing trend. The chickens are produced by Chick-a-Doll. The owner, Howard Huhn, says the birds "are not fake anything"
NEW: Uncle Guido likes the scene in which a couple at a restaurant asks about the quality of the life lived by a chicken they hope to order. The couple soon learns that the bird was raised locally on sheep’s milk, soy and hazelnuts, and that it had a name, Colin. “He looks like a happy little guy who runs around,” says the man when he is shown a photograph of a pre-plucked version of the bird. “A lot of friends?”

Portland Is Spoofed in New Show, ‘Portlandia’
www.nytimes.com
Portlandia,” a new IFC series, makes fun of a liberal city’s deliberate differentness, but some say the show is hardly Portland.
NEW:Uncle Guido says that he has a chicken that can strut like Mussolini.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in Finland Who Was Trained to Give a Nazi Salute
www.nytimes.com
The case of the businessman the Nazis wanted to prosecute for training his dog to mock the Führer offered the unusual respite of a Nazi-era action that sounded like a punch line.
NEW: Uncle Guido Says: "What's the big deal? Some chickens lay 300 eggs per year. OK, we eat most of them, but still...Oh, poor doggy woggy

Mother of 17 pups to be neutered
www.bbc.co.uk
A German Rhodesian Ridgeback bitch which bore 17 puppies in one litter is to be neutered for its own good, the owner says.
NEW: Uncle Guido's Observation #34: "Check this baby out, enlarge and feast your eyes on an uber-chicken, watch-out-if-you're-a-plant, thundering therapod. The best dinosaur ever!

Broader Diet Than T. Rex’s Is Seen for Many Theropod Dinosaurs
www.nytimes.com
Fossil evidence suggests many theropods were omnivores or herbivores, with physical features like beaks in common.
NEW: Uncle Guido says that the "runny egg law" passed in NJ to force restaurants to cook rubbery eggs of course failed. What good is an egg unless it is runny; but more to the point the law should have addressed "runny chickens". Any chicken with the squirts should be killed, simple as that. And in answer to the question 'who is responsible for U.S. eggs?" - the chickens are, dummy.

Salmonella-tainted eggs linked to U.S. government's failure to act
www.washingtonpost.com
Public health officials closed the books this month on an outbreak of salmonella illness that had sickened more than 1,900 people since May and led to the largest recall of eggs in U.S. history.
NEW Uncle Guido is delighted there is a website dedicated to chickens. An excerpt: "Dear Katy...I sent your site to a friend that has been wanting chickens also. I can't wait to build my first chicken tractor!!...Such an informative site for new 'chicken people.' You are the Martha Stewart of chickens!" ----G.D., Fort Madison, Iowa.
Articles about chickens in the city
home.centurytel.net
The City Chicken will help you get started keeping chickens in your backyard, even if you live in the city.
NEW Uncle Guido's favorite installation at the AU Katzen Arts Center opening Saturday

NEW Uncle Guido's Great Ideas #5. Wow! So what about chickens? Miniaturize them, hibernate them, slip a few pesos in the slot, bring them home while they are still groggy; behead (or as Henry VIII was fond of saying, "If you don't obtain my divorce you'll be a head shorter"), pluck, singe, chop 'em up and put them in the soup. By-product, bring back the Old Days.

Vending Machine Sells Live Crabs | Japan Probe
www.japanprobe.com 
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Puzzle #1: Q. What's the difference between a chicken? A. One leg is shorter.
Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #42: Russia doesn't want our frozen chicken because freezing and thawing, they say, reduces nutritional value. Nonsense. If you freeze a whole live chicken (i.e. put them live and clucking into a -20F freezing pen) and then ship it, the nutritional value is preserved. And, in some cases, chickens fast-frozen this way have been known to come back to life when thawed.

New Russian ban on chicken confounds producers
www.washingtonpost.com
MOSCOW - The poultry business is aflutter over comments last week by Russia's top sanitary official about banning all frozen chicken as of Jan. 1 - a move that would effectively stop imports from the United States as well as Europe and Brazil.
 
NEW: Uncle Guido would have preferred a fake chicken, the kind you see in the windows of Chinese restaurants that are plastic but still entice you in

A fake dog
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #38: Yes, but is it kosher?

Helping Chickens Go Calmly to the Slaughterhouse
www.nytimes.com
Two premium chicken producers are installing a system to knock the birds unconscious, using carbon dioxide gas, before their throats are slit.
NEW Uncle Guido's New Chicken Idea #4. The NYT quotes the manager of a new super clean chicken farm as follows: "Standing by the manure pile on a recent afternoon, Robert L. Krouse, the president of Midwest Poultry Services, the company that owns the Hi-Grade farm, took a deep breath. The droppings, he declared, smelled sweet, like chocolate." Now THAT opens the door to great new commercial possibilities. Why even bother exploiting poor Ivoirian chocolate farmers when you can just scrape up blow-dried chicken droppings? I'm in on this one.

Keeping Henhouses Free of Disease
www.nytimes.com
At an Indiana farm, precautions are taken to keep hens and eggs free of salmonella.
NEW Uncle Guido' Chicken Factoid #15: There is a Burl Ives song where whooping cough causes a chicken to "sneeze his head and tail right off". Now that is something I would love to see - a chicken exploding from both ends. Not exactly a kosher kill, but an easy way to get a head start on dressing the bird.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #49: Love "Old Jews Telling Jokes", especially this one about the Stud Rooster. By the way, lots more hilarious jokes on YouTube, just follow the link.

Jesse Cohen, "Stud Rooster"
www.youtube.com
Jesse Cohen will be 88 this year, and still works every day as an attorney in traffic court and criminal court. He says that playing the harmonica and telling jokes keeps him young. "I owe my vitality to tonality and my longevity to levity." ;
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #43: The egg industry is fending off allegations that it is cruel to chickens. Bullshit. As I have said before they are too stupid to know what's what. However, a solution - miniaturized chickens which produce one regular sized egg. The production takes all of their mass and energy, so when they lay, they disappear and another miniature chicken descends in the tiny cage now empty. Millions of tiny cages, normal eggs, no problem.

Egg industry fighting efforts to increase cage sizes
www.washingtonpost.com
The egg industry, already battling a salmonella outbreak, is spending millions of dollars to fend off increasing efforts to ban cramped chicken cages.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #43: “Half a billion eggs recalled and counting—each egg represents 34 hours of total hell for a hen” . If chickens were smart enough to know they were going through total hell (usually a metaphysical distinction reserved for human beings) then they would be smart enough to stop laying eggs. Lying down (laying down) on the job, industrial action, whatever. But they're the dumbest creatures going - peck, peck, shit, shit, lay, lay. Why all the fuss?

Egg Industry Faces New Scrutiny After Outbreak - NYTimes.com
www.nytimes.com
As egg producers reeled from a recall, they were already battling a movement to outlaw their methods as cruel and unsafe.
NEW Uncle Guido's New Chicken Idea #4. The NYT quotes the manager of a new super clean chicken farm as follows: "Standing by the manure pile on a recent afternoon, Robert L. Krouse, the president of Midwest Poultry Services, the company that owns the Hi-Grade farm, took a deep breath. The droppings, he declared, smelled sweet, like chocolate." Now THAT opens the door to great new commercial possibilities. Why even bother exploiting poor Ivoirian chocolate farmers when you can just scrape up blow-dried chicken droppings? I'm in on this one.

Keeping Henhouses Free of Disease
www.nytimes.com
At an Indiana farm, precautions are taken to keep hens and eggs free of salmonella.
NEW Uncle Guido' Chicken Factoid #15: There is a Burl Ives song where whooping cough causes a chicken to "sneeze his head and tail right off". Now that is something I would love to see - a chicken exploding from both ends. Not exactly a kosher kill, but an easy way to get a head start on dressing the bird.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #43: The egg industry is fending off allegations that it is cruel to chickens. Bullshit. As I have said before they are too stupid to know what's what. However, a solution - miniaturized chickens which produce one regular sized egg. The production takes all of their mass and energy, so when they lay, they disappear and another miniature chicken descends in the tiny cage now empty. Millions of tiny cages, normal eggs, no problem.

Egg industry fighting efforts to increase cage sizes
www.washingtonpost.com
The egg industry, already battling a salmonella outbreak, is spending millions of dollars to fend off increasing efforts to ban cramped chicken cages.
NEW Uncle Guido says: “Finally an answer to the chicken and egg question!!”
image
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #36: Chickens - dumb as stones, and yet animal rights activists are agitating for more space for them to peck and shit. I mean, come on, we swat mosquitos, kill roaches, blast fleas off of dogs, poison rats, kill whole highly evolved societies of ants by squishing them; and you can't eat them...and best of all, eggs from battery caged chickens are 1/3 the price of free range libertarian ones. What about free range escargots? Have you ever seen the miserable conditions in which they are raised?

A Hen’s Space to Roost - Anatomy of a Battery Cage - NYTimes.com
www.nytimes.com
Consumer preferences and animal welfare advocacy are driving big changes in the industrialized treatment of farm animals. Here’s a look at what they mean for egg-laying hens.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #34: It has been reported that chicken is the Number 1 cause of food borne illness in the United States. Take my word for it. Having lived in San Francisco now for 5 weeks, it is definitely dumpster dived moo goo gai pan. That nasty 3-day old glop is a good meal for the crack ho's on Capp Street, and then you gotta clean up the squirts.

CDC points to poultry as No. 1 food poisoning culprit - USATODAY.com
www.usatoday.com
Cooking chicken on the grill this summer? Be careful. Poultry is still the leading culprit in food poisoning outbreaks, health officials said Thursday.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #33: Catalonia wants to use a bullfighting ban to drive a wedge between it and the rest of Spain from which it wants to secede. I'm on Spain's side wishing to preserve tradition. Take cockfighting. The same honored tradition, the glory of victory, the balletic drama between two supremely matched opponents, an arena filled with fans thrilled with nature's operatic battle. Ok, no matador, but so what?

Lawmakers in Catalonia Vote to Ban Bullfighting - NYTimes.com
www.nytimes.com
Bullfighting suffered its most significant setback to date on Wednesday when lawmakers in Catalonia voted to ban fights in their region.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #29 (con't): The SF Chronicle reports: " All 80 rescued chickens at the Marin Humane Society in what can only be described as a mad scramble for chickens and their eggs. The chicken run was such that by 2pm the entire clucking brood was gone." And many of these chickens were homeless, as well.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #29:" A flock of 80 rescued chickens with an uncanny ability to lay large numbers of eggs arrived at the Marin Humane Society, and are awaiting loving homes...Chickens make good pets. We even had a chicken be a therapy pet." SF Chronicle. Only in
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #28 con't:"....and that chickens are the closest relatives of dinosaurs. Below is a recreation of one of the earliest dinosaur chickens; and God help us if one morning we wake up and some virulent mutant gene has turned Frank Perdue's flock back into these monsters.
 
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #28: The latest scientific evidence shows that birds are not only descendants from dinausaurs, they may actually BE dinosaurs; and that chickens are their descendants.  Wow, would I love to see a chicken that size – and who could eat people instead of being eaten!

Uncle Guido's Chicken Puzzle #1: "Whose responsibility is it to remove a dead chicken", a Silver Spring resident asked, as she found the rust-colored, feathered corpse of a chicken which had begun to "ripen" in the heat. "I believe the chicken is missing its head", she said. OK, but the real interesting fact is that a chicken with its head cut off bounced and hopped around for miles before flopping on 16th Street.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #27: The NYT today pondered the question "Are eggs 'green'?" Well, of course they are. Think of Tysons or Perdue birds in only enough space to squirt, to peck, and to lay. How green is that, baby?
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #25: The best movie of the 20th century was Herzog's Stroszek, principally because of the Dancing Chicken, a balletic sequence, orchestral score, brilliant choreography, simply the very best.

Stroszek - Dancing Chicken
www.youtube.com
The famous ending (no spoilers) of Werner Herzogs 1977 feature.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Question #4: "Do you mean to tell me that there are millions of chickens running around India, reincarnations of people? If so, is there any way of telling which chicken is which person? And do only Indians get reincarnated as Indian chickens or are American souls eligible? And if so, should we really allow Indian souls to come here as our chickens?
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #21: How to tell the sex of a day-old chicken: Cloacal, or vent sexing, although not easy to accomplish, can give generally positive results. This method involves examining the baby chicken's vent, located under its tail, looking for a genital organ. If the genital organ is present in the vent, it will resemble a small pimple and the chicken is a rooster.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact 22 The "chicken neck", ghetto-girl chiropractics for "uh-huh" or "say again" is now mainstream, distorted by athletes who work out the cricks and wannabe white males who, with imperfect execution, look like turkeys. The origin, however, is in the subcontinent; but it takes practice not to move your hips at the same time as nodding "Acchha, sahib, thik hai, sub kucch milega".
Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #21: The term "une poule" in French, or a chicken, is slang for a whore. In the Bois de Boulougne at night there are plenty of "poules", but also plenty of transvestite whores as well. In the Presidential Palace in La Paz rumor has it that these transvestite hookers have too much "poule" and not enough cock, but Mr. Johnson will always be bald
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #20 Gaians, the PC phalanx and animal rights extremists have extended Descartes "I think, therefore I am" to ALL sentient beings, drawing the line at oysters which have no central nervous system. Chickens definitely belong below the line. Everyone knows they are too stupid to think and even if they could wouldn't know what's what. Besides, they have the advantage of never being overfished
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Doggerel: There once was a cock named Dave, From atop his walk he did rave. My needs must be met, A chicken I will get, but if not, who cares, I will pullet.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #18: "She's no spring chicken" used to be used as a term for a middle-aged woman who wanted to appear young but did so unsuccessfully. You don't hear it any more because of modern cosmetics which hide the truth for much longer, and when the illusion of youth can finally no longer be maintained, time collapses and the term old hen is then correctly applied.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #17: With the billions of chickens around, there should be no demand for capons, the geldings of the poultry world; but in 1409 the Bishop of Rheims, who had a preference for young castrati, transferred his taste to chickens. "Both are much more tender without b---s", he said, and a culinary tradition was established.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #16: It was Henry IV of France who in the 17th century said "A chicken in every pot". Empty noblesse oblige, for in his reign of terror more human heads were chopped off than chickens'. "I wish there were a better way to do this", said Henry, foreseeing the guillotine. No politician dared used the phrase until Herbert Hoover who was not up on history and btw caused the Depression.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #14: "Don't count your chickens before they hatch". Wrong. Statistical sampling is a variation on counting, and if you work within a predictable margin of error, you will be OK. More to the point, Frank Perdue knows exactly how many chickens will hatch. If not, how could he stay in business?
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #13: "Which came first? The chicken or the egg". What appears to be a metaphysical question is nothing of the sort. It is a recent (50s) discussion of supermarket placement - one school said to lead with eggs, followed by chickens; the other school said the reverse. We all know that neither side won: chickens are now with meat; eggs with dairy, suggesting another metaphysical problem
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #12: "Running around like a chicken with its head cut off". MIT and Harvard researchers conducted a joint study and found that the movements of a beheaded chicken are not random, but correspond to predictable patterns. Chickens have a separate but much smaller brain (if that is possible) that kicks in after beheading for about a minute. No evolutionary purpose was found
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #11: Reading chicken entrails (haruspicy) in itself is a very inexact science. It all depends on what the chicken ate. Groats tend to improve accuracy.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #10: "It's just chicken feed". Yes, and you should be so rich as Archer Daniels Midland
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #8: "The chickens have come home to roost" is a distortion of the original by radical vegetarians and animal rights activists. The original is: "The chickens have come home to roast".
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Riddle #1: What's the difference between a chicken? Answer: One leg is shorter. So much for Emmanuel Kant and epistemiological knoweability.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #8: Doctors' handwriting is not chicken scratch. It is just crabbed. Species mixup.
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #7: Hens' teeth are less scarce now thanks to modern dentistry
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #6: Chicken's are really not cowards. They just lack the proper training
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #5: All exotic meats don't taste like chicken. It's just that people eat too much chicken and have lost their objectivity
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #4: Husbands are henpecked because they sow their seeds too widely
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #3: Chicken Little was misrepresented. He didn't say that the sky was falling; only that it appeared that way because of the peculiar properties of polarized light
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #2: Chickens aren't really that stupid. The just lack a depth of ignorance
NEW Uncle Guido's Chicken Fact #1: For the chicken who successfully crosses the road, the knowable becomes unknowable; or, the question is not why did the chicken cross the road, but what did the find there

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