Dildos On The Parquet Floor And Other Tales Of Diversity

Lucretia Roberts was as straight as an arrow, but resorted to a dildo whenever she went on business trips.  Her favorite was a high-tech vibrator version which sensed levels of arousal and performed to suit the mood.  It had two settings - manual and automatic - and the user could choose either self-manipulation or 'stand-alone' stimulation. The latter required some installation, prop work, angle, and staying power; but if adjusted properly with the right lighting, desire, and imagination, it serves the purpose quite well. 

Dildos have always been a straight white thing - black girls seem to get off with serial partners with regularity; and lesbians eschew the things because they are male surrogates. Lesbians prefer scissoring and eating each other out to anything as coarse as a male phallus; so throwing dildos on the basketball court when WNBA women are playing is ironic.  Yet it gets the point across.  These 'women' want nothing to do with men. 

The display is hilarious.  Sex toys - dildos - as much as they are bought by the thousands by straight women, can easily be conflated with women without men - an easy jump in the mind of heterosexually-obsessed males.  Or so goes the lesbian line and that of their neo-feminist apologists. 

Since the old-fashioned dildo is too male, too reminiscent of patriarchal authority, bullying hormone-addled retrograde sexuality, the sex industry has been researching new ways and new instruments that can achieve the same clitoral and vaginal stimulation without configuring it in phallic ways. 

The dildo, of course, is the ideal instrument for straight women, for with the lights off, a good imagination, and the right kind of stiff but tactile plastic, it can feel remarkably like being penetrated by a real man.  A woman's genital region was designed for dildo-shaped penises, or vice versa; so the research into a simulator which did not look phallic was challenging. 

Acme Industries of Modesto, California, is the leading manufacturer of sex toys in the United States, and their top sales item is the dildo.  Far from the old broomstick dildoes of the past, their products are the result of years of male interviews and inspection, computer modelling, and field trials.  Their online store is filled with a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors; and with a concern for customer privacy, the company has earned the motto, 'Pleasure with Privacy'. 

Lucretia Roberts shopped at Acme and was quite satisfied with their money-back guarantee.  'We aim to please' took on an ironic meaning as their dildos were 'hand friendly', easy penetration, fulfilling design was their aim and the intention of their product.  This playful marketing campaign, a bit of irony and tongue-in-cheek offhanded humor added to sales and visibility, 

Because Lucretia was an experienced woman - that is, she had had lovers of many different races, stature, musculature, etc. - she assembled a stock of dildos that matched the diversity of her men.  With this wide range of instruments, she could match her preference and her mood with the proper instrument.  Since she never knew what shape her desire would take, when she went on an extended business trip, she carried an extra briefcase all arranged for her nighttime selection. 

Why would she bother? friends who knew of her many sexual dalliances asked.  Quick pickups are a dime a dozen; but that was beside the point.  Men, as attractive as they could be were more often than not a fumbling inept lot.  Better rely on imagination and an Acme dildo.  When back home in Washington, she could take her time, vet, suss, and check out the many men buzzing around her hive and take the best of the lot home; but while on the road, she preferred 'Herman'. 

This was her name for any Acme selection, a generic moniker, and one chosen especially for its dorkiness.  She took a seditiously ironic pleasure in pleasuring herself with a top of the line dildo named Herman.  Self-sex was a game, after all, complete with imagination and toys, so why not have some fun with 'nomenclature'

Which brings us back to the WNBA and the dildos tossed on the court at every game, forcing a 'no bag' rule for admission; but men were not as stupid as all that, and stuffed one into their pants like a codpiece, and no security guard wanted to body search down there.  So the dildos kept raining down on the Sky, the Fever, and all the rest of the teams. 

'You know what this is, sistah?', yelled one gay black player to Caitlin Clark one evening, holding up a magenta dildo that had been thrown near the three-point line. 'This here because of yo' straight white ass' and with that tossed the dildo back up into the crowd. 'We don't need them things, cunt', she shouted up at the jeering men in Section 12. 

 

Some observers saw the whole episode as another sign of the retreat of woke which thanks to Donald Trump has been roundly, loudly, and clearly dismissed as nonsense.  In every corner of social media, ideas and opinions about race and sexuality are once more out in the open.  Satire and humor are back, the kid gloves are off, and anything goes.  The howls of sexism and racism are fading, and with humor comes a return to objectivity. 

No one a few years ago would have ever even considered doing what is now de rigeur at WNBA games.  It would have been called out as racist, homophobic, and misogynist - the hellish troika of hate - but now it is viewed as a hilarious joke - a put on, a puncturing of the balloon of faux sexual self-esteem, the whole ridiculous idea of diversity in the first place. 

The insouciant, brash, unintimidated America is getting its mojo back, freewheeling like the good ol' days, the Wild West of have at it, an ethos of raw watch-out individualism and anything goes language.  No more censorship - if you don't like what I say, tough shit. 

'Umbrage', said an opinion writer for The Nation, choosing his words carefully to suggest the deeper philosophical insult caused by the dildo episode.  Women are 'taking umbrage' at the callous, insensitive racist displays at basketball arenas everywhere, he wrote, totally missing the point.  This affaire celebre wasn't an isolated sexual phenomenon; it was a generalized reversion to reality.  A sea change in political ethos, a new zeitgeist.  Do what you want with your junk but don't make like it's the Ark of the Covenant.  

This too will past, and when the dust settles, things will be back on an even keel.  Heterosexuality will be back on the front burner.  The gay thing like the black thing will recede, and the public will not be badgered and hammered any more about 'diversity'. 

It's about time.